olindom | Entries tagged with engilsh

They Walk Among Us!

I was at the checkout at Walmart, minding my own business, when the cashier rang up my total: $46.64. I handed her a crisp $50 bill. She looked me dead in the eye, gave me back $46.64, and continued scanning items like a professional.

Me: "Uh… I think there’s a mistake."

Her: huffing dramatically "Sir, I am educated. I know what I’m doing."

She pushed the money back at me like I was trying to scam her.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do—I gave it back.

She, once again, pushed it right back at me with extra attitude.

I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out with $46.64 in my pocket.

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They Walk Among Us…

I walked into Starbucks with a "Buy-One-Get-One-Free" coupon for a Grande Latte. The barista studied it like it was the Declaration of Independence, then turned to a chalkboard that read "Buy One, Get One Free."

Her eyes lit up. "Oh! So that means… they’re both free!"

She happily handed me two free lattes.

I didn't argue. I just walked out, sipping my victory.

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They Walk Among Us…

One day, I was strolling along the beach with some friends when one of them gasped dramatically, pointed ahead, and yelled:

"Look! A dead bird!"

Another friend immediately looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

I just… I had no words.

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They Walk Among Us…

My brother was house hunting and asked the real estate agent which direction was north. He explained that he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

The agent furrowed her brow. "Wait… does the sun rise in the north?"

My brother, thinking she was joking, laughed.

She was not joking.

He gently explained that the sun rises in the east… and, you know, has been doing that for quite a while now.

She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff."

I... I had to walk away.

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They Walk Among Us…

Back when I worked in a 24/7 call center, a guy called and asked:

"What hours are you open?"

Me: "Sir, we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

Him: "Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

I stared at my screen for a solid 10 seconds before replying:

"Uh… Pacific."

He thanked me and hung up, probably feeling proud of himself.

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They Walk Among Us…

My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car—designed to save her life if she ever gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

------------------------------------------
They Walk Among Us…

My friends and I went to buy beer for a party. The store had a 10% discount on cases. Since we were professionals, we grabbed two cases.

The cashier did some quick mental math.

"Oh, two cases? That’s 10% + 10%… so you get 20% off!"

We all nodded and quietly accepted our new financial advisor.

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They Walk Among Us…

At the airport, I couldn’t find my luggage, so I went to the lost baggage counter.

Me: "My bags never showed up."

The lady smiled reassuringly. "Don’t worry, sir! I’m a trained professional. Now… has your plane landed yet?"

I blinked.

Me: "Nope, we’re still circling the airport. The pilot told us we’re third in line to land."

Her: "Oh! Okay, well, come back after you land."

…Sure thing, genius.

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They Walk Among Us…

While working at a pizza place, I watched a man order a small pizza to-go.

Cook: "Would you like that cut into four or six slices?"

The man thought long and hard before replying:

"Better make it four. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six."

Bless their hearts.

They Walk Among Us…

Four buddies went on a deer hunting trip and had to bunk two to a room. The problem? Nobody wanted to share a room with Daryl—his snoring was legendary. They decided it wasn’t fair to make just one guy suffer the whole trip, so they agreed to take turns.

The first night, the unlucky draw went to Jim. The next morning, he staggered into breakfast looking like he’d spent the night wrestling a bear—hair wild, eyes bloodshot, hands shaking.

“Man, what happened to you?” the others asked.

“Daryl snores so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night,” Jim groaned.

The second night, it was Mike’s turn. By morning, he stumbled into breakfast looking even worse—like he’d aged ten years overnight.

“Dude, you okay?” the others asked, concerned.

“Man, that guy shakes the walls! I didn’t sleep a second—I just sat up and watched him all night.”

Then came Frank’s turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player—tough as nails, scared of nothing. The next morning, he strolled into breakfast looking fresh as a daisy, whistling a happy tune.

The others gawked at him. “Wait… what happened?! How are you so rested?”

Frank grinned. “Well, we got ready for bed, I tucked Daryl in nice and snug, patted his butt, and gave him a little goodnight kiss.”

He paused for effect.

“Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

www.youtube.com/watch

The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did.”
Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you
Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth):
“And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora….the gardener did.
Wife: “So, how much do you think would be fair ??”

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

UPVOTE

DOWNVOTE

REPORT

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When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

UPVOTE

DOWNVOTE

REPORT

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

24_ “Not all who wander are lost.”

25_“Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut.”

26_“The proper order of things is often a mystery to me.”

27_“I went to a hunting party once, I didn’t like it. Terrible people. They all started hunting me!”

28_“The uninformed must improve their deficit, or die.”

29_“No one does [play fair] if they think they can get away with it.”

30_“I’m stranger. You’re stranger. Together, we are… strangers.”

31_“I could hardly afford to lose my head.”

32_“You may have noticed, I’m not all there myself.”

33_“And no scheme of ours can raise any sort of smile.”

34_“We are all victims in-waiting.”

35_“Somehow you strayed and lost your way, and now there’ll be no time to play, no time for joy, no time for friends – not even time to make amends.”

36_“Actually, I am right on time.”

37_“Never let anyone drive you crazy; it is nearby anyway and the walk is good for you.”

38_“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat. “I don’t much care where—” said Alice. “Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat. “—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation. “Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

39_“How funny it’ll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downwards! The antipathies, I think—”

40_It was all very well to say “Drink me,” but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. “No, I’ll look first,” she said, “and see whether it’s marked ‘poison’ or not.”

41_“I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other; but the great question is ‘What?’”

42_“But it’s no use now,” thought poor Alice, “to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!”

43_“Curiouser and curiouser!” cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English).

1_“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

2_“Visit either you like: they’re both mad.”

3_“There might be some sense to your knocking,” the Footman went on, without attending to her, “if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were *inside,* you might knock and I could let you out, you know.”

4_“How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think: *was* I the same when I got up this morning?”

5_“Imagination is the only weapon in the war with reality.”

6_“You might just as well say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!” “You might just as well say, ” added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, “that ‘I breathe when I sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!”

7_“Only a few find the way, some don’t recognize it when they do – some… don’t ever want to.”

8_“Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin,” thought Alice; “but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life!”

9_“How do you like the Queen?” said the Cat in a low voice. “Not at all,” said Alice: “she’s so extremely—” Just then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, listening: so she went on “—likely to win, that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.”

10_“I don’t see how he can ever finish, if he doesn’t begin.”

11_“And the moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be’—or, if you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.’”

12_Speak English!” said the Eaglet. “I don’t know the meaning of half those long words, and, what’s more, I don’t believe you do either!”

13_“I’m older than you, and must know better.”

14_“The best way to explain it is to do it.”

15_“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” “What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!” “I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir,” said Alice, “because I am not myself, you see.”

16_“If everybody minded their own business,” the Duchess said, in a hoarse growl, “the world would go round a deal faster than it does.”

17_“Tut, tut, child!” said the Duchess. “Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.”

18_“And the moral of that is—’Oh, ‘tis love, ‘tis love, that makes the world go round!’” “Somebody said,” Alice whispered, “that it’s done by everybody minding their own business!” “Ah well! It means much the same thing,” said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice’s shoulder as she added, “and the moral of that is—‘Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.’”

19_“I am not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”

20_“Every adventure requires a first step.”

21_“If you don’t know where you are going any road can take you there.”

22_“When you’ve understood this scripture, throw it away. If you can’t understand this scripture, throw it away. I insist on your freedom.”

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good!! then stay 92.96 million miles away from me...
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Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat what ever bugs them
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I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
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sent by

paserbyp
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?“.
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

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- How do you drown a hipster?
- Throw him in the mainstream.

on that one, my kids rolled their eyes and declared : Oh Mom! That's sooo 2013!!!

images.app.goo.gl/FbTXcEEZPD3axizc9

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Интересная Штука Эта Жизнь!

немножко о себе.

Entries tagged with engilsh

They Walk Among Us!

Funny Jokes.

Magic table.

Jokes.

The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

-----------------------------
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

----------------------
When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

------------------------
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

Billbords.

Alice in Wonderland Quotes. 2.

Alice in Wonderland Quotes.

Jokes

Engish as is.

Profile

May 2025

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немножко о себе.

Entries tagged with engilsh

The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

-----------------------------Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

----------------------When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

------------------------A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

-----------------------------
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

----------------------
When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

------------------------
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.